Catch 22

Is it… you will only ever get the right man when you’re not looking for the right man? And… what is this idea in my head of the “right” man anyway. I know it is ridiculous, yet I can’t shake it.

So I did have an interesting weekend. And it is still the same – I like the guy a lot, mentally we have so much in common, we laugh and have the same sense of humour, we confide in each other… But the chemistry? It’s just not there on my part. I would like to say YET, because I persuade myself pretty well, but that does not seem to be the case. And man, would I like to trick myself into believing that. I really would. And then I got a bit angry at him and a lot angry at myself for not saying how I feel.

I smoke, okay. But he smokes like tons and tons and that makes his mouth all weird and salty. I don’t like this kissing, it’s like I’m afraid to get too deep into his mouth. I did like the caressing, but then again, I was also drunk. It’s like… my body does not react to him the way it reacts or has reacted to a certain someone else. Who I went to yesterday night. Which was lovely. With some people, it’s just right.

The term fuckbuddies sounds very banal and what I have wih this other guy, I’d call it more like friends with benefits. We act like boyfriend and girlfriend, although if the subject arose, he backed away from it faster than a cat from a vacuum cleaner (I know, such way with words I have here). How can it be though that you can feel so right with the “wrong” person and so wrong with the supposedly right one? The one that would father your babies, build you a house and beat up anyone that dare cross you? Like this kind of true alpha-male (yes yes yes, this concept is outdated and doesn’t do justice to men and so on, but it’s the best word to describe him). It is just not fair and I even cried for this a little bit, like angry-cried. I like to think that my will is this strong that I can just make it work. I should be able to.

So yeah. Might build me a Frankenstein’s monster from different men and all their best qualities. Wouldn’t that be something.

And the flipside – if someone would think that I’m imperfect in any way, I’d be pretty pissed off.

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I cum to the hum of the washing machine

Not only does it rhyme, it’s also true. Since I dont have a steady partner, I have had to make due with toys and dreams, which actually are much more intimate and easily available than another human being.

I am not one to let go easily. There have been one or two partners I have felt comfortable enough with to really be me and let go, but still not thoroughly. I think of it as metal hinges around my heart. On the one hand protecting me and on the other hand not letting me trust completely.

I want an ideal man. I am not willing to sacrifice in any area: neither (emotional) intelligence, humour, confidence, nor skills in the bedroom. Thusfar I have encountered two that have lived up to the standards, but with whom the encounters have been quite brief so they have not had a chance to show me any negative sides, which I am sure everyone has. And now, a third-time’s-the-charm-guy, the I’ve-thought-about-it-happening for so long-guy, the in-it-for-the-long-run-guy is at my front door… and I am not sexually attrackted to him. Or maybe I am, but I am also afraid, because so much is at stake. If we don’t connect in bed, it’s… you know… in a way, it’s ruined. The friendship of ten years.

But the Universe is very friendly and giving. It always gives me, what I want and at the same time only this, not the extras. If you want good in bed, you get little education, if you want educated and good in bed, you get unable to commit (like three times in a row!). So, Lady Luck, is it a curveball you’re throwing me again? Or is it the lesson of “YOU CAN’T HAVE EVERYTHING HANDED TO YOU READY ON A SILVER PLATTER”? Yes, sometimes I am that dumb that the Universe just wonders what to throw at my head to make me get it. To just stop thinking and start acting. Stop comparing people to one another, stop envisioning futures before they happen.

We’ll see by the end of this week. If I’ll O with the aid of a certain someone or not. Most probably not, but I have to find out 😀

The Journey Begins

I’ve always loved this video with Eartha Kitt. The way she speaks so passionately and animatedly about love as if she really-really knows, what love is. She seems the kind of person that knows how to ask life for love and get it. Not shy, not inimidated about the closeness of this other person. I LOVE the way she bursts into laughter, when the man asks her about compromise.

I too am quite obsessed with love, relationships, sex and intimacy. With men in general. Flirting and chemistry is something that sets me on fire. I’ve thought long and hard about it (pun inteded?) and because I can’t shake it, I have to delve into it. You know – when you think about what excites you the most? For you, it might be your career, it might be… pleasures of the mind, it might be some hobbies of yours. Well, my passion and obsession is men, sex and love. I am not a nymphomaniac (this is a whole other subject that I will elaborate on in the future)… or I might be one in the making. All I know, is this journey of self-discovery is very very interesting. Intimidating as well, like the heading says. We have our whole lives to get to know love and ourselves, our physical and ethreal bodies, but to we really? Anyhow, I intend to.

So here we are, starting to part on a journey into intimacy. This is therapy through writing, this is the personal diary nobody should read. This is it.